[Fake Marketing News] Arizona Diamondbacks To Begin Offering “No Shelby” Ticket Packages

In response to overwhelming fan demand, the Arizona Diamondbacks (9 games back, 10 games under .500 at home) have begun offering what is believed to be the MLB’s first ever ticket package where fans can avoid a particular starting pitcher in the rotation.

“Our fans have spoken and they really really do not want to see Shelby Miller get lit up like nobody’s business,” said one Diamondbacks EVP. Citing Miller’s tendency for whiplash pitches where the pitcher’s head jerks around 180 degrees from facing home plate to seeing the ball fly off the bat and leave the field in a hurry as the opposition piles up earned runs, the executive went on to say, “Chase Field is a freakin’ ghost town after the second inning when this guy is on the hill. We just can’t take the loss of revenue in concessions so we decided to innovate.”

“No Shelby” packages start at $169 for five games, a nod to Miller’s 169.1 ERA through the first two months of the season. Packages with only Miller starts are also available and the Diamondbacks are taking used chewing gum or beer cans fashioned into smokeless tobacco “spitters” as acceptable forms of payment.

In other news involving Phoenix sports, there is no truth to the rumor that Suns GM Ryan McDonough has inquired with the Diamondbacks about converting Miller into yet another point guard as the Suns explore the idea of an all point guard roster.